For The Sake Of The Closet

It's no secret that I'm an openly gay man (no really!) and at times that has meant having to compromise that for the sake of a relationship with someone. It's interesting what love makes you do, the blindness it causes you and the many sacrifices you're willing to make to make sure it works and stays like that.

I've been guilty of being the lover that wants to please (in almost every way possible) and in doing so allowing myself to be hidden away or forced back into the closet for the sake of the one I was in love with. The one thing about me is this, if you have issues with your sexuality or prefer to keep things on the down-low then by all means don't date me, let's **** and call it a day! Don't reel me in and win me over, my heart is too small and my thoughts too sensitive, in the end the truth will always come out and the end-result will be catastrophic.

I have met many "straight" men who have been more than willing to "try something new" for the sake of experience, but as an already out-of-the-closet gay I got a little caught up in the exciting moments, after all I was also living out a little fantasy of mine and who can blame me?

A lot of gay men lie to themselves, they convince themselves that they've crossed that bridge and that they comfortable, but truth is once they get faced with someone who's truly comfortable being themselves in every way possible the idea starts to become unappealing and scary, they question their truths and end up peeking into their dusty closets to see if they could move in again. That to me is a little sad because we have gay Rights for a reason, we're constantly battling discrimination from Society yet we start with each other?

To conclude my point I vowed that I would never go back to that dusty,cob-webbed closet of mine, it's officially a closed door with some serious bolts on it! A faded memory of a sad world we live in, so what are you waiting for? Need a hammer and some nails?

~ LK

Working 9 to 5 Just to Stay Alive

As humans we are raised and taught how to live and co-exist, and in these teachings we make our own choices and carve our own paths. We have muses and mentors who prove to be a guide to our own growth and unless you're willing to bet all your dollars on the fact that you can be the next success story you fall into one of two traps: Eat or be Eaten.

I've been called a "dreamer" and these special little people have a tough time convincing themselves that they bear a purpose on this earth that can be truly and artistically appreciated, you're the sensitive type that can sometimes absorb negativity from a hater or someone trying to sway you into another "society-approved" direction forgetting that your inner soul stands to suffer long-term, I call this a "slow-death".

How many times have you been told - "get a job that makes REAL money!" or "You need to put food on the table" and here's another one of my favourites "Beggars can't be choosers", sadly this is what the world has come to, we are slaves to Society, slaves to money and most importantly slaves to our needs.

Envision a young single mother of one who has bills to pay,a child to look after and a life to live, she simply cannot have a healthy balance of her own wants and needs when she has to put her bigger responsibilities in front of her. Many times people end up giving up and life becomes less of a pleasure and more of a burden.

Life is tough and at times can be a whole bag of burden, but what is most important is the positive people you surround yourself with, your achievements (big or small) and knowing that at the end of the day you DID put some food on your table someway,somehow, while working nine to five just to stay alive.

LK

Like I Never Left

After such a long hiatus I am happy to announce that I'm back and better than ever :) X

My Apology

To my avid readers I would like to apologize for taking so long with my blog, I had so many different exciting ideas with the way my ten-part story would be delivered from part six onwards but unfortunately due to time and a few changes in life I will have to put it on the back-burner until I can sort the minor details out. For those who have only just found my blog, please feel free to browse the previous stories written including my own life story and don't be scared to share,share, SHARE!!! :)

Who Is Leen Kahn? - Part 1 (In The Beginning)

The year was 1988 and in the summer of February 21st my mother gave birth to me in Cape Town, South Africa and I was named Mzwabantu Lincoln Mzwakali.

My mother at that time was a young woman who had been a singer/dancer in a group that she had met and befriended my father, they were destined for greatness but at that point she had started to show in her pregnancy and had to eventually quit the group. My mother was one of six children and the youngest of them all, she was raised and bred by my grandmother from the start even though my grandfather was around until she was at least 7 years old and then he left. My grandparents were married for many years but due to issues in their marriage they parted ways and my grandmother was left to fend for her kids, some of which ended up living with relatives. As quickly as I was born a lot of people started asking questions about who my father was and my mother at that time had been steadily dating someone other than my father the assumption was that it was him, however my father knew otherwise and decided to confront her about it, she ended up denying it and cut him off from being a part of my life. During this time my grandmother decided that it would be better if she took care of me instead of my mother because she was not ready to fulfil the duties of a mother, at this time she was working and sleeping in town and that became my new home for years to come.

From as early as I can remember the house used to have all sorts of new families renting it and with each family a bond was formed, the one I can remember most distinctly whom I still call family to this day is a french family who stayed a little longer than a year in the house, they treated me like their own and my grandmother was as good as part of the family, they used to take me to trips all over Cape Town and spoil me rotten with clothes from France and toys galore. Around the age of five or six I met a german boy who used to live opposite the house, we fast became best friends and we did everything together, I was a bit of a loner during creche and primary school so it was always refreshing to come home to him, I also made friends with an amazing family of people that immediately accepted me as one of their own, I remember I met their mother in Checkers (when it JUST opened) and I was nagging to my grandmother that I wanted the Lion King video but she wasn't having any of that (Boss Lady!) until this lovely lady came up to us and told us she also had kids and that she could make a copy of Lion King for me, that was all it took and after our first visit I became a constant nuisance. Kids used to always make fun of me for many different reasons during creche and Primary School, I was a sensetive child so I used to take what they said to heart and this developed my temper. Outside of school my grandmother enrolled me in a child-modeling agency and at one point my agent was moving to the US so she begged my grandmother to take me with, she promised to make me bigger than I was, however my grandmother was fearful of what might happen to me without her supervision and young as I was she wanted to see me complete my schooling and make such a decision at a later stage. During all this time my relationship with my mother was very distant, she was physically abusive and an alcoholic and we forever kept knocking heads but I was always safe when I was in town, to the point where I begged my grandmother to leave me in town on weekends so that I didn't have to see her, of course that privilege only came when I could prove to my gran that I could look after myself.

In my first year in Primary school I had an episode with my Sub A teacher, I had needed to use the bathroom and she told me to keep quiet and wait till break, I decided that the wee was too much to hold in and I asked her again to let me go, she still refused and in my first moment of defiance of anger I decided to let it go and peed right there in my seat and gave her THAT look, that was the quickest I got my mouth washed out with soap! Next was another teacher in Sub B who called me stupid for losing a book, now this lady was a chain-smoker of note who shouldn't have considered teaching at all, she was the epitomy of pure evil, when this lost book situation happened she humiliated me in front of the entire class and demanded I either look for the book or leave her class, of course I found the book – where SHE had left it! Now as you guys have gathered my mother and I were never on good terms however when my gran told her of someone making me upset that was the quickest she came to my defence about the matter, after school she marched right into my classroom unannounced and closed the door behind her with me outside peeking through the keyhole, all I can say about my mother is that when she got angry the air around her became electric, so you can imagine how my teacher must've felt. After that incident I saw her in a different light but I was also wary because she never showed me another side to her, she was a puzzle to me that I could never figure – not for a long time anyway.

(To be continued...)

The Good Man

This is the year 2013 and reality has sunk into my bones that there's a huge shortage of good men out there and with technology constantly breaking new ground there's also less imagination left, however I can't deny that there will always be a good man out there, problem is finding them and keeping them.

In my younger days I was easily manipulated by the man who possessed power and wasn't afraid to show it, the man who would woo me with materialistic things that would entice my hungry and sometimes wild imagination, however what was really lacking in those times was honesty, I was practically being bought and I eventually stopped liking it. In the world we're living in money is a constant obstacle that can put pressure on the strongest of characters, we all long for financial security and peace of mind which sometimes may come in the form of a man who comes bearing these lovely gifts and you end up making a choice of convenience instead of following your heart.

I am one of the toughest people to date, I'm not shy about the physical things but when it comes to my heart there's too many obstacles to get through and after the first one most guys (if not all) give up and move on, I'm not saying that I'm immune to love or be loved however I'm no longer as naïve as I used to be, most of what's on a mans mind is pretty clear and instead of letting him get all of me, I'll choose to give him a moment he'll think about from time to time while I reserve the best of me for me, in the end we both win – with regards to the physical.

Now back in the day men had to work really hard to get the attention of their love interest, they'd do the silliest things in order to make that person smile which would be more than enough for them and they'd leave tomorrow for a possible kiss (on the cheek)...However nowadays the only flowers you get are the ones in emoticon form and communication is more exciting in pictures and BBM status messages, some need to face the facts that his reputation might be more exciting than you. 

Now let's do a complete 360 and talk about the man we want to get, I don't want people to get me wrong on this post, I don't expect the poor guy to fight with a lion to prove his love to me or even to prove it at all (totally negotiable) however there will be expectations which will set him apart from the scrubs. Personally all I want is for them to be real, to come as they are and provide me that emotional, mental and spiritual happiness, someone who won't be afraid of me or my way of thought, someone who can indulge in a new adventure and motivate me to rise above, someone who can listen to me sing sad songs and wipe the tears from my face...Yes boys and girls, I don't want much, I just want someone who isn't scared to wear new shoes and take care of them for years to come, even plants need nurturing and they don't ask for too much. Everything takes effort but everything that took effort becomes worthwhile and the mission you had getting to happy seems more necessary.

One thing to always remember is that when you got yourself a good man, to never become what you didn't like with your previous partners, sometimes they leave traces and tendencies we pick up without knowing and we end up being the exact replica of what we were continuously trying to avoid...Be real, free and allow yourself to be loved by that man...

Dear Ex-best Friend

Dear Ex-Best Friend

We met in High School around 2004 and we hit it off instantly, you were my first real gay friend I could tell anything to and you were the best company at that time. We were always there for each other, we fought each others battles and we were deeply involved with each other's familes...in fact you were one of the few people my grandmother approved of and it felt good to have that confirmation from the Boss Lady.

We Matriculated together and you were the one who convinced me to go to Johannesburg with you, in actual fact I remember not being too sure if I could make that leap seeing as that I had never left Cape Town or my grandmother before and this also meant I would actually be alone without supervision, not much work experience and about less than R3000 in my pocket, however we made it work and I was fine because you were my bestie and we were doing this together.

Before Johannesburg there were certain episodes we went through, you always chose to direct your anger towards the nearest person and that sadly used to be me, however as your friend I took it upon myself to console you...If we ever went out and I happened to like a guy by the end of the night he was on your arm and I let that always slide, no one can be blamed for that but that's where I started noticing a trend. Believe it or not I stopped being jealous after the third time you did this because I got to know the guys you were involved with and we too became friends, the problem was when you broke up with them, it was usually because you felt victimized by them or that they weren't right for you, I'll admit, as the person that used to have both views of the relationship there were times when they were wrong and most times when YOU were wrong but never admitted to it.

Our stay in JHB was pleasant until your mother came and lived with us, she turned you around completely, she blamed me for so many untrue things and the worst part is that you believed me – back then I was grateful for that but it was also the beginning of the end because you chose sides and unfortunately for our friendship more events took place which made us drift apart emotionally and on a friendship level.

The day our friendship ended a new one began and still is in place, I'm not saying any of this to spite you but to make it clear that although you still blame me for the greatest decision in both our lives it worked out for the best in my opinion, all these events were leading up to that day, tears were shed...In all honesty you have a lot of growing up to do but I wish you well in all your endeavors...I'm not the bad person you've told people I am...I was just a better friend in the end.