For The Sake Of The Closet

It's no secret that I'm an openly gay man (no really!) and at times that has meant having to compromise that for the sake of a relationship with someone. It's interesting what love makes you do, the blindness it causes you and the many sacrifices you're willing to make to make sure it works and stays like that.

I've been guilty of being the lover that wants to please (in almost every way possible) and in doing so allowing myself to be hidden away or forced back into the closet for the sake of the one I was in love with. The one thing about me is this, if you have issues with your sexuality or prefer to keep things on the down-low then by all means don't date me, let's **** and call it a day! Don't reel me in and win me over, my heart is too small and my thoughts too sensitive, in the end the truth will always come out and the end-result will be catastrophic.

I have met many "straight" men who have been more than willing to "try something new" for the sake of experience, but as an already out-of-the-closet gay I got a little caught up in the exciting moments, after all I was also living out a little fantasy of mine and who can blame me?

A lot of gay men lie to themselves, they convince themselves that they've crossed that bridge and that they comfortable, but truth is once they get faced with someone who's truly comfortable being themselves in every way possible the idea starts to become unappealing and scary, they question their truths and end up peeking into their dusty closets to see if they could move in again. That to me is a little sad because we have gay Rights for a reason, we're constantly battling discrimination from Society yet we start with each other?

To conclude my point I vowed that I would never go back to that dusty,cob-webbed closet of mine, it's officially a closed door with some serious bolts on it! A faded memory of a sad world we live in, so what are you waiting for? Need a hammer and some nails?

~ LK

Working 9 to 5 Just to Stay Alive

As humans we are raised and taught how to live and co-exist, and in these teachings we make our own choices and carve our own paths. We have muses and mentors who prove to be a guide to our own growth and unless you're willing to bet all your dollars on the fact that you can be the next success story you fall into one of two traps: Eat or be Eaten.

I've been called a "dreamer" and these special little people have a tough time convincing themselves that they bear a purpose on this earth that can be truly and artistically appreciated, you're the sensitive type that can sometimes absorb negativity from a hater or someone trying to sway you into another "society-approved" direction forgetting that your inner soul stands to suffer long-term, I call this a "slow-death".

How many times have you been told - "get a job that makes REAL money!" or "You need to put food on the table" and here's another one of my favourites "Beggars can't be choosers", sadly this is what the world has come to, we are slaves to Society, slaves to money and most importantly slaves to our needs.

Envision a young single mother of one who has bills to pay,a child to look after and a life to live, she simply cannot have a healthy balance of her own wants and needs when she has to put her bigger responsibilities in front of her. Many times people end up giving up and life becomes less of a pleasure and more of a burden.

Life is tough and at times can be a whole bag of burden, but what is most important is the positive people you surround yourself with, your achievements (big or small) and knowing that at the end of the day you DID put some food on your table someway,somehow, while working nine to five just to stay alive.

LK

Like I Never Left

After such a long hiatus I am happy to announce that I'm back and better than ever :) X

My Apology

To my avid readers I would like to apologize for taking so long with my blog, I had so many different exciting ideas with the way my ten-part story would be delivered from part six onwards but unfortunately due to time and a few changes in life I will have to put it on the back-burner until I can sort the minor details out. For those who have only just found my blog, please feel free to browse the previous stories written including my own life story and don't be scared to share,share, SHARE!!! :)

Who Is Leen Kahn? - Part 6 (Johannesburg) COMING SOON!!!

Who Is Leen Kahn? - Part 5 (Growing up)

Being Gay is never easy, we live in a world that's only begun to really acknowledge it and to some extent accept it however I feel there's still a long road to go before it can be seen as a part of life that's unavoidable. I always say I grew up not knowing any gay people or heroes to look up to, I was only exposed to what was allowed in my bubble, even Life Orientation at school didn't have that as a subject at school so I still felt like I needed some form of education, a proper way to introduce myself onto the scene, that's when I met my first gay best friend.

Unlike most, I was a bit slow on the intimate parts of life, I shied away at opportunities and chose to watch my newfound friend in action, all the boys would try to get with him to the point where they used to ask me to put in a good word for them just so that he can speak to them, at that point I was still a rooky so I was always transparent with him in regards to guys intentions with him, this made our bond stronger and escalated our friendship greatly. My grandmother never used to allow me to sleep over at friends houses she never met unless their parents would make a phone call, unfortunately I used to forget this little rule and land up in a lot of trouble when I got home. Since I was a year younger than my friend it was always an issue if we had to go out, the bouncers would see right through “I-forgot-my-ID-in-the-car” act, if we were lucky I'd get sneaked in through the back or get the “nicer” bouncer who overlooked the seventeen year old me. My friendship with this friend of mine was very fruitful but also had its lows, he literally introduced me into the scene but there was an ugly side to it that I didn't quite understand and this made dating for me much harder, I trusted men much less especially after the flop of a relationship I had with my first and then my second love interest who made me look like boo-boo the fool, I was at the point where I preferred to be the wingman than be the main man.

I joined a couple of dating sites and met some rather interesting guys, one in particular was this thirty-two year old German guy who had a rather weird name but nice features and build so I thought to myself that I needed to be more open and willing to receive whatever the man could offer, besides which I was starting to feel like an old man who was growing cobwebs down South. We went to Fishoek, spent the day there and ended off at this amazing restaurant that faced the ocean, the lights were dimmed and I felt the novelty of my first proper date with an older man, he looked into my eyes when he spoke to me and made me feel special for the evening, the drive back was even better – I'm a sucker for romance and chivalry!!! Of course by the time we got back I told him to drop me a road below because I didn't want a stalker situation and he obliged but not without trying to kiss me and ask me if I wanted to stay over at his place, though the idea was tempting I was worried it might have gone in another direction so I kindly declined his offer and returned home. The next time I met him (this is after we had chatted for a bit) he took me to Table Mountain and told me that he could no longer see me anymore, he felt that there was too big an age gap and that at the end of the day I deserved better, of course I was shattered but I told myself he was right, I deserved better, I deserved a REAL man! Of course I met more and more men, mostly older as I felt like I needed someone who had a mature way of thinking and was firmly established in their life, however a lot of them turned out to be immature and interested only in one thing. I won't lie and say I was never naïve with men, I had fallen for their tricks before, allowed myself to get involved in the moment only to be dropped like a hot potato the next.

High school wasn't always about my failed love-life, I had also started paying attention to my talents as well, I started out with drama and joined the school choir then when the bell rang for the end of the day I'd go straight to my friends house and we'd play around with music beats and make some music, I can't lie and say we were making hits but we had to start somewhere and with each song we became better,wiser and eager to the point where I decided to move to Johannesburg after Matric and I did.

Who Is Leen Kahn? - Part 4 ( The Boy Who Met Himself )

High school was the highlight of my life, so many different and important things happened during that time, most importantly it's the period I finally came out.

It was the year after my mother had passed away and I had decided to go to a High School that had my cousins in it, I didn't really have any attachment to anyone after Primary School besides one of my real best friends who ended up going to an all-girls school and we lost touch. By this time my friendship with my german friend had come to a complete standstill, he had ended up moving away and the only other friends I had was the family that had introduced me to Lion King (lol), they were a family of two girls with two loving parents, they were always there from the very beginning and for a long time they were my escape from my reality, they gave me exactly what I needed - love.

Through my first year at school I felt displaced and different from the crowd, at that time I didn't know if it was depression or if it was me not even trying to fit in with the crowd, crying came too easily to me and I was weak. I tried to make friends and for a short while I made some, however it was difficult because I was still carrying this grudge within me and it was blocking me from reality, everything got to me and I was always sensitive to what people said. If anyone ever needed to look for me they would surely find me sitting at the library burying my head in a book or on the internet, I wasn't too fond of seeing what happened beyond my school walls too much, I was more content with the silence however I was always curious about my surroundings and how the people around me thought.

In my second year I had become a bit more consistent with the group of people I called friends and things for a change seemed to be going really well, the rumor about my "so-called" sexuality had arisen again and I could no longer hide from it, this very same group of friends also made me feel secure enough in myself to confide my secret to my "Lion King" family first and foremost, I told myself I'd judge by their reaction and see how many more people I could tell, soon enough I became a bit more comfortable to actually act upon my newfound power and sanity, I admit it balanced me a bit to get that chip right off my shoulder however I still hadn't told one very important person - Boss Lady.

For a long time I had a crush on a popular boy at my school (who shall forever remain nameless for privacy reasons) and I had kept it to myself, I used to have a little school-girl crush on him and one day one of my friends organized his number for me so I decided to give him a call and confess my undying love for him, now that I look back on that day I laugh harder than I ever have before but in the moment I was blinded by being a recently out-of-closet teen, the response of course from his side was that he wasn't interested and he had every reason to not be...The boy was straight! And with that one phone call the entire high school found out and I never truly lived that phone call down, it made things awkward for me and I decided at one point before the year was done that it was either I continued to be weak or to face the challenge with a smile and MINCE! and oh baby did I mince!